Why Caring About Someone Isn’t Enough To Make It Work The questions you should ask yourself when deciding if it’s worth it
Everyone has heard the Stephen Chbosky quote “We accept the love we think we deserve.” But have you ever reflected upon your relationships and thought about what that quote says about you?
Have you ever thought that your affection for someone could be enough to make it work? I’m not going to use the word love because I only want to talk about things from my experience and love isn’t a word that I’m comfortable using, but I have been in relationships where I’ve hoped that my deep care for someone could be enough to make the relationship grow into more.
I’ve always had a thing for wild boys. Boys who live alternative lifestyles, like to take risks, and live life to the fullest have always intrigued me. So of course this is my first problem, I’m fully aware that these guys are emotionally unavailable but I go after them anyways. Usually it’s just for fun and I tell myself that they aren’t boyfriend material anyways, but I’ve realized that it comes to the point where it’s just not fun anymore.
I’m left at a crossroads. I’ve driven myself into a corner where I feel a closeness with someone so deeply despite the fact that they’ve been so transparent about their inability to care about me back. I got so swept up in wanting to be there for him when he needs me that I forgot that he’s supposed to do the same for me.
You could argue that it’s totally my fault. I fell right into the trap that I knew was there the whole time, but you live and you learn I guess. These are the questions I’ve been going over in my head when deciding if I should end it, and what I want to make sure to say:
- How do you feel about yourself when you’re with him?
This is where the root of my problem lies. I feel amazing when I’m with him. I feel comfortable, confident, and always happy to see him. We have a good time together and our differences in our lifestyle give us plenty to talk about. If he weren’t so self centered, he could be my best friend. That’s exactly how I want to feel when I’m with someone.
But then when thinking about it deeper, I realized maybe I’m not as comfortable and confident as I think. I’ve had an inability to open up about anything personal in my life because I don’t feel safe. It’s something that I didn’t even realize that I need because I haven’t had it, but I want to feel the security that someone will be there for me no matter what. The only times that we hang out shouldn’t just be when he needs my support. I’ve never been an emotional talker and it’s always been hard for me to open up, but this feeling of safety is something that I’m beginning to realize is important. It’s getting exhausting to keep my emotions so bottled up.
- How do you feel about yourself when you’re not with him?
This one’s easy – shitty. I’ve never had to fight for someone’s attention so hard in my life and it’s easy for me to realize that I deserve so much better in this department. I shouldn’t have to hunt someone down to spend time with them. I don’t require a lot of attention but it’s really not hard to text a girl back. I want to feel adored whether I’m with a person or not. It’s nice to get a message in the middle of the day so that you know that someone’s thinking of you. I know I’m not the only girl who wants this and it’s not hard to do. Get it together, boys.
- Are your needs as important as his needs?
I’ve touched upon this briefly, but let me expand a little. Girls are naturally nurturers. If you tell us that you need us, or call us when you need to be comforted, we practically melt. We want to be there for you and we want to help you to feel good. But it’s easy for us to forget how important our needs are too. We have bad days, we need hugs, and we deserve for you to return the favor after being there for you time and time again.
In my situation, it’s clear that my needs just aren’t a priority. He just isn’t somebody that I can depend on and that’s a major issue. Relationships are a two way street – if he can’t make my needs as important as I make his, then this relationship is clearly lopsided. If he isn’t someone that I can talk to when I’m feeling down or stressed, then where can this possibly go?
- Does he make your life better?
Is his presence in my life a blessing or a stumbling block? Does he really help me to be my best self? Does he cheer me on to be my best and support and encourage all of my dreams? I think the answer to all of these is no…
Life is too short to spend your days filled with any anxiety, sadness, or insecurity. Your partner should want to spend each day trying to help you be your happiest. If your days are going by and you feel unhappy, think about what your role in this could be and try to make a change. If things still stay the same, then it could be time to end it.
- What the heck is it that I want?
Do I want to be in a relationship or do I want to still just have fun? I know I want to be happy and I want to feel appreciated, respected, and cherished. I don’t want to feel anxious or unsure.
Just because you care about someone doesn’t mean that they are right for you. And just because someone isn’t right doesn’t make them a bad person. I just don’t want to waste my life on anyone who doesn’t consider me a priority. Every day is a choice – I want to choose to be happy and respect myself always.
It’s not easy to say goodbye to a person who you care about, but life’s too short to waste one minute. You can’t make someone treat you the way you deserve. All you can do is self reflect, decide what is best for you, and make the conscious decision to grow each day.